I don’t know how to feel anymore…The words aren’t forming in my mouth because silence has been the most comfortabe place for me for far too long. I never know what to do when these thoughts arise but I think I know what I need to do.
(via britumm)
I need to get something off of my chest that has been sitting on it, like a 20 lb weight, for quite some time.
I feel this website is where my thoughts are best able to reach others who can relate while also maintaining some sort of animosity from many people who know me personally. This compels me to detail furiously the events in my life for you all to read and hopefully extend a message of comfort if some one you are feeling the same as I am.
Due to a recent controversial ruling, many of my friends and family members have been very outspoken on social media regarding their opinions on the matter. However, I have and will refrain from following them in that way. It did leave me wondering and reflecting on my own life and what exactly I think my future will be like.
I am a white female. My mother is American and my dad is from Spain. While most kids, myself included, experience some form of bullying or teasing, I never knew what it was like to be dismissed, judged, discriminated, mistreated, or distrusted for what the color of my skin was. For that, I acknowledge that I have been lucky to have grown up having not known what kind of pain and suffering one endures when they have been through such experiences.
Sean is a black male. He is also my boyfriend and the love of my life for three and a half years now. We have never talked specifically about our different races or any time he had experienced any racism, but I think I just always had an idea that at one point or another in his life, he had dealt with it. I was fortunate to have grown up with a mother who was very accepting, even embracing, of all kinds of cultures. We were always singing Tina Turner in the car when I was growing up. She took me to basketball practices and games for years, where I formed important friendships with a lot of black girls and they’re families, all incredible people who I grew to love and looked at as my extended family. It was safe to say that while I noticed that we were not the same color and we came from different backgrounds, that I loved these girls and I valued our friendships. At a young age, I knew that color was nothing more than an important mark of one’s heritage- and I found that to be beautiful. I still do.
Fast forward to present day now: I have experienced racially insensitive comments when it comes to my relationship. I’ve heard it all from “I didn’t know you were dating a BLACK guy?” to “wait, your boyfriend is black?” but that’s fine. Some people wont get it and it isn’t my job to force them to. I just smile and remind myself of how lucky I personally am for having the mind and attitude that I do, which allows me to see people for who they are, not their aesthetics or outer shell.
With recent news headlines, I feel troubled, though. I intend on marrying my boyfriend and creating a family together with him. There is no other way that I would want to bring life into this world other than with this man. Our children will be half black. Personally, I love the idea of having multiracial children. I find it beautiful and the fact that they will be completely made from love is what drives my heart wild with drum like thumps when I picture it.
But..
What will my children go through? Will all of this be resolved before I am a mother? It pains me to think that the man I love or even our future children will ever have to experience that type of senseless hatred. It angers me. It’s all so messy and dicey right now. Everyone has to be so careful of what they say in regards to this.
All I can say is that I’m scared. For this country and the people residing in it who should never live in fear.
